Stories

Don’t demolish until you’ve said goodbye

The Farewelling of a Home is adapted to farewell the Ngaio Union Church Hall

Long-time parishioner, Margaret Pitt, speaks at the Farewelling Service, ‘Looking back, looking within, looking forward…’

‘A church hall is much more than a building. Our hall had tāonga which showed the forgotten social life of a suburb. It contained people’s memories, sometimes over several generations. Some parishioners had lived much of their lives there, with playgroups, Sunday School, dances and parties and a host of community activities. In a sense the hall became for them their home,’ Sue Brown says.

Sue had only a week to write an appropriate service for the farewell set down for 18 July, which was also the end of Matariki.

Sue looked around at a number of resources. The Anglican liturgies in A New Zealand Prayer Book weren’t flexible enough to be adapted for the required purpose. Her much-thumbed books of contemporary services by the Australian writer, the Rev. Dorothy McRae-McMahon, had nothing just right. Sue went on the internet and was delighted immediately to find the new liturgy to farewell a home written by Dr Jane Simpson, published in February.

‘I wanted a rite of passage to enable people to respect what had gone before and to share stories about the loss of the hall (looking back), to reflect on our own responses (looking within) and to celebrate the future, looking forward with hope, optimism and excitement as we move into our newly-flexible Church space (looking forward),’ Sue says.

‘As soon as I received my copy of The Farewelling of a Home I could see it fitted the structure we needed. I liked the simplicity and directness of the language. God is accessible and immediate in the prayers of this liturgy.’

Because the parishoners and visitors couldn’t go into the hall to say their goodbyes, objects holding special memories, such as Boys’ Brigade flags, were held up at the front of the church and three longstanding parishioners spoke about their significance.

The hall that cost £9,000 and took two months to be built in 1962 cost $90,000 to be demolished. A manse is to be built on the Hall site. For the last three years the doors to the multi-purpose church space have been thrown open wide for activities that used to be held in the hall, and newer ones, including Ngaio Agile, Crafternoon, Meditation, the Water Cooler, Christmas Live! and EasterFest.

‘The service was a huge success,’ says Sue. ‘While we were sad to say goodbye to this place, it became OK for us to feel relief to be free of the problems being responsible for a condemned building, and excited about the opportunities our future brings!’

Sue Brown, Minister of Ngaio Union Church and a commercial Lawyer and regulator.

The Order of Service used to farewell the hall.

Questions and Answers – The author and Sue Brown, the first minister to adapt the liturgy to farewell a home to farewell a church hall

Q. Apart from the fact ‘The Farewelling of a Home’ is a very new liturgy, why do you think more clergy aren’t using it?

A. I’m not sure how well ministry training equips ministers to deal with that kind of grief – the loss of a home or a job, the end of a marriage, going into care. It takes a level of emotional and spiritual maturity to understand the concept of grief for changes in life.

Q. How did you become aware of the concept of change in life?

A. I’ve been a commercial lawyer and regulator most of my professional life. Learning about change and change management was central to my work. I came into ministry three years ago and I’ve found it fits very well.

Q. You’ve said you see huge potential for the liturgy to be used by people moving from their family home and into a retirement village or into care, to manage that key life transition.

A. Yes, a new retirement village is being built in Ngaio and I’d like our parish to offer it to people who have a sudden decline in health or are moving to something more suitable. The liturgy can meet their needs in this key life-changing transition.

Q. How about young families leaving Ngaio/Crofton Downs or moving into the area? Do you think they might like to farewell their homes in this kind of way?

A. That’s something I would very much like our parish to do.

Q. This story and the way you adapted the liturgy may well be of interest to heritage historians. At the moment there’s no service to farewell a civic, non-religious building. I’m working on that.

A. That sounds like a great idea! Whether we know it or not, buildings – and the memories we store up in them, and about them – all influence our individual and community sense of well-being and spirituality. The opportunity to mark a transition in this way would be very valuable.

The latest story of farewelling a home

Farewelling a home a year after the lockdown: Chantelle van Niekerk’s story

In lockdown under COVID-19 we were restricted to our homes. We were allowed to exercise, but within a 2 km radius. Suddenly the streets and parks were filled with families walking or going on bike rides together. In New Zealand, the lockdown lasted only three months. Because the country is surrounded by ocean and the borders were shut tight, the virus could be contained.

The lockdown also gave people a chance to look at their lives in a new way. Some quit jobs that had become soul-destroying and decided to embrace an unknown future. Others took early retirement to pursue their passions. Others, still, decided to change their lifestyle and move from the city to the countryside.

This is the story of the van Niekerks who had left South Africa in 2008 to live in New Zealand. In the next 13 years they had four children and moved house four times. In June 2021, a year after the lockdown ended, the young family moved house from Christchurch to Oxford, a rural community 54 km away. On their last day in their St Albans home they used the liturgy of The Farewelling of a Home to say goodbye to the place that had been home to them for three years.

This is Chantelle van Niekerk’s story.

On 26 May we had the privilege of using Jane’s liturgy to say goodbye to our home. We had lived there for three years. It had protected us through the COVID-19 pandemic. It was the place our children returned to after their first day at school and where our youngest breathed his first breath. We thought we’d be staying for 20 years and had left a brand-new home in Leeston to move to St Albans to be ‘in zone’ for the best state schools.

We loved our new home, an Edwardian villa made of rimu and kauri, with the original leadlight window overlooking the kitchen. We knew it needed a lot of care but we felt we were the perfect family to give it everything it deserved.

Then COVID-19 hit and everything changed. Suddenly our beautiful old home felt like a cage, rather than a path to a better future. My husband, Henrico, was a mechanical engineer for a large power company. In the lockdown he worked from home and we home-schooled our children. At the end of the lockdown Henrico went back to work and Daniel, Abigail and Sarah returned to St Albans School. It didn’t feel right to be apart. A week later Daniel came home from school saying, “Mommy, I wish I could stay home with you during the day. I loved learning with you and being able to run around when we were finished. I miss you during the day.” I wondered if God had more in mind for us.

When Henrico returned to work, he missed the family and felt isolated. Working for a large company felt restrictive. A new American startup company he had been freelancing for offered him a permanent position where he could work remotely at the hours he wanted to. They said they didn’t believe in ‘work-life’ balance, they just believed in ‘life’.

We had an opportunity to look after my parents’ home in Oxford, close to the mountains and surrounded my nature. Henrico took the children back to Christchurch to school every day and I looked after our baby Emeaile, who had come in a hurry and was born at home. One day we found a note in the letterbox from a developer asking if we wanted to sell. ‘No way would I let someone demolish this charming old villa that we had made our home’, was my first thought. However, after much prayer and many late-night conversations, we decided to move out to the country. Soon after we accepted the developer’s offer, we discovered our dear neighbour, an amazing poet, had written a liturgy to farewell a home. We didn’t tell her, but we thought this was a sign that God was guiding us. It confirmed our decision to sell.

Like all our other moves, there was so much to do in such a short space of time! This shift was different, however, as we had a liturgy. We decided to take time to reflect and say goodbye. We used The Farewelling of Home: a liturgy our last day there and felt incredibly blessed to have Jane herself share it with us. We cried tears of sadness and joy. As we went into every room in the house and the garden patio, we walked through the last three years of our life together – where we had shared meals, where our daughter Abigail had secretly jumped on our bed, where our new baby was born. Using the liturgy, we were able to honour our home for the place it had had in our lives, know God’s grace to let go, and move with hope into the future.

Rawinia’s story

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**The first use of the liturgy, ‘The Farewelling of a Home’**

Easter Monday, 6 April, Aranui, Christchurch

by the Rev. Rawinia Douglas (Whanau Apanui, Ngāti Porou, Tuhoe)

“A house is made with walls and beams; a home is built with love and dreams” (Ralph Waldo Emerson)

When I attended the launch of Jane Simpson’s book, The Farewelling of a Home: a liturgy, in the Transitional Cathedral, Christchurch on 20 February 2021, little did I know I would be the first person to use it. I was attending in an official capacity, as a representative of Pihopa Richard Wallace, QSM, and Te Hui Amorangi o Te Waipounamu.

This new liturgy, written with aroha and compassion, helps people leaving their homes for the last time. It has five parts: acknowledging their loss and grief; giving thanks for the past, the good and not so good; taking leave of what once was; receiving God’s blessings; and going out to create a new life and future in their new home.

My husband, Ron, and I were about to move back permanently to our home town,Te Karaka, north of Gisborne. We had shifted house 13 times in 25 years, living in Te Waipounamu for the last seven years. I’ve done my own karakia when shifting house before. I had this new liturgy swirling around in my mind. Then I realised that the swirling was the Holy Spirit leading me to use Jane’s beautiful liturgy to say haere ra to the place that was home for us.

We decided to have the service on Easter Monday, the day before the movers came. Our son, Wayne, had come down from Wellington to help. All the packing had been done and we were doing the final cleaning. I invited the author of the liturgy, Dr Jane Simpson, to be present, along with two very good friends from the Diocesan Bicultural Education Committee, whaea Marjorie and whaea Shirley. Jane came two days beforehand to go through the rooms with me and work out together who would say the different parts of the liturgy.

Outside, before we entered the whare, I recited ‘Te Whakawātea’ (The Collect for Purity) from the te reo liturgies of our Anglican prayer book, A New Zealand Prayer Book / He Karakia Mihinare O Aotearoa (p.500). Most the karakia were from Dr Jane’s liturgy and in the middle section we recited the appropriate inoi for the different rooms of the whare. The two liturgies gelled together nicely. I felt the service was lovely and done in a relaxed fashion. All six of us in the group had a part in the karakia, either reading the prayers in the liturgy, sharing memories or simply being present.

I feel we six are all pioneers in our use of such brilliant liturgy for the first time of many thousands more times to come around the world! All the praise and thanks to God!

Let the word of Christ have its home within you, dwelling in your heart and mind. (Colossians 3:16)

Before the liturgy, Rawinia with the author, her friend, Shirley, and son, Wayne.

The family and Rawinia’s friend, Marjorie Smart (from the Diocesan Bicultural Education Committee), about to share memories in the living room.

At the end of the liturgy, Rawinia closes the door of the home she and her husband have lived in for three years.

Questions and Answers – The author and Rawinia Douglas, the first person to use the liturgy

Q: You said you and Ron had shifted house 13 times in 25 years. Did you set aside time to reflect and pray in your other moves? Or did you do this instinctively without needing a liturgy?

A. In practically all our moves karakia was said instinctively without any liturgy. I usually said a short karakia of thanks for the accommodation that had been provided and then one for what the future may bring.

Q: What did it mean to you to have the opportunity to use the liturgy of ‘The Farewelling of a Home’? In which particular ways did it make a difference in this shift?

A: Unlike our other house shifts, this one is permanent. Being at the launch of the liturgy was the catalyst in deciding to use it for our own home. It meant so much to me to be able to use it. This last move was being honoured by liturgy written specifically for that purpose. The timing of our move, just after the launch, was perfect for us to say goodbye to the whare in a poignant manner.

Q. What else is special for you and your husband, Ron, in this shift in your mid-60s?

A. I worked as a Registered Nurse most of my life and was ordained a priest by Pihopa Richard Wallace in 2017 when I was 62. I am not retiring but am moving to a new ministry in Te Tairawhiti under the Archbishop of Tikanga Māori, the Most Rev. Don Tamihere. We were amazed when our daughter, Tracey, bought us a house for our retirement back in Te Karaka and gave it to us outright! As soon as I arrive, I’ll be looking out for anyone, Pākehā or Māori, leaving their homes for the last time, to offer them the liturgy.

Glossary

haere ra – goodbye, farewell

inoi – prayer, petition

karakia – prayer or chant, a religious service

pihopa – bishop

Te Hui Amorangi o Te Waipounamu – the Synod of the Māori Diocese of the South Island

whaea – mother, aunt; a term of respect

whare – house

How The Farewelling of a Home may be used

1. To mark life-changing transitions

Marriage or the start of another committed relationship; when a family outgrows their home or after children leave; when a relationship ends (including a violent relationship); moving into a retirement village or into care; and after a loved one’s death.

Real stories

From a son

I remember when my maternal grandma moved into a retirement village due to dementia. My Grandad had passed away a few years prior and my mum (along with many other things) had to deal with the sale of the family home of over 65 years. My mum was actually born in the front room. I know she found the process very difficult and think she will find your book healing. I think we find change difficult and having a liturgy to help us with that change is very healing and allows us to move forward. I trust God and your book reminds me that in the midst of change we are not alone.

(Andrew Parker, a Regular at the Transitional Cathedral, Christchurch. Formerly from the UK.)

The author’s childhood home, 35 Thornycroft St. Fendalton, Christchurch, 1967. It was demolished when her parents sold it in 2000.

From a daughter

Five years after my father retired, my parents decided they wanted to move to a smaller home. This meant leaving our family home of 42 years after coming to New Zealand from the UK. We knew that the house was almost certainly going to be demolished so new townhouses could be built. I felt we had to do something to mark its importance in our lives. Knowing the Anglican A New Zealand Prayer Book well, I photocopied its service, ‘The Blessing of a Home’, and adapted it to farewell our home instead. I became a priest to my parents and assigned the parts to each. The house was almost completely empty, so spoke of finality. We placed a few precious things in each room as symbols to be collected up to provide a sense of continuity in my parents’ new home in their retirement.

(Jane Simpson, liturgist and a Regular at the Transitional Cathedral, Christchurch)

2. When forced to leave by economic factors

Householders may be unable to pay their rent or mortgage because of: job loss or the loss of a livelihood; the increased cost of living; the effects of reduced government spending on social services and health; downturns in the global economy due to the pandemic; and other factors.

3. When made homeless by natural disasters

These include: earthquakes, bushfires, floods, tsunamis and volcanic eruptions. Increasingly, global warming is claiming homes in coastal regions and in the Pacific Island nations.

A real story

Having lost our home of 25 years in the earthquake and then moving 14 times over 6 years while waiting to settle with our insurers, a liturgy such as The Farewelling of a Home would have been a wonderful and comforting thing to have had. A home holds a special sense of place and protection in our lives; a place full of the intangible – memories – be they happy, sad, profound, character-building; a place where we have grown and developed our personalities; loved, laughed, and wept – a place that holds our human emotions.

(Jenny May, Heritage consultant, Christchurch)

4. For personal prayer and reflection

If it wasn’t possible to say goodbye to your home in a ritual way, reading The Farewelling of a Home may help you work through that loss and provide comfort and understanding. By giving the liturgy to a neighbour or friend, who may not have known it existed, you anticipate their needs and provide solace.